You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
