Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
