He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
