Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
