I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
