I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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