so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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