I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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