The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
