my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
