Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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