And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
