Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
