i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
