When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
