did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Randomize
