I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
