Your face is a jimmy john
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
