Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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