Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
