you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize