i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
