Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
