tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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