If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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