I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
