So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
