Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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