he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize