I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
