the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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