I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Girls should come with a carfax report
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
