my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
