Where is the hickey?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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