When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
