Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
