A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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