I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
