her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
