i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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