how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
