i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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