im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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