Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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