I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
