This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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