my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
