I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
