Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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