I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
