at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
