did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
