I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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