I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
