I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone came in the potted fern
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
