i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
