No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
and you fell through a lawn chair
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
