i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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