I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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