I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
