If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
